a friend just committed suicide. classmate, crush, friend. i miss him already. i miss him so much already. id give fucking anything to hear him laugh or see him smile again. i wasn't even great friends with him. the most meaningful conversation i had ever engaged in with him was snapchatting him about panic at the disco. how the fuck do you deal with this what the fuck. school is never going to be the same. he was normally always talking to our maths teacher. science never passed without a funny comment from him. he had great things to say in english. god. its so weird using past tense about him. i knew he was depressed. i could have helped. i could have. i should have. but no. i was too fucking cowardly to do anything. he sat beside me in french the other day and i didnt speak a word to him. god, i miss him so much. i never even got to tell him how i felt about him. ive had crushes before but he hit me all at once. like a fucking tsunami of emotions. i was a fucking wreck and now im even more so. because he's gone. he's gone. he's dead. he's dead holy. shit. i dont know what to do i dont know anything.
rest in peace, leon. <3
Edit: at around 9:30 last night, he hung himself. He went to the ice house just outside of town. He brought his guitar too. All because he was being bullied for being gay. FuCK whoever was bullying him honestly. But like, he was gay too? I actually stood a chance with him? This is fucked up five heartbreaks in five hours.
edit 2: my school held a memorial service for him which was super nice. the turnout was big and it was nice to see how many lives he had touched. i stuck with a few people i knew well and we just cried for like 2 hours. they played This Is Gospel, one of his favourite p!atd songs and overall a very fitting song. i would say it brought a tear to my eyes but i was already bawling. later we lit some candles for him and just stood around the candles and picture of him. i tried visiting the place where he hung himself but i just couldnt bring myself to do it. god this is fucking messed up i shouldnt be dealing with this at 14 years of age. he was only 15. he killed himself a month before his 16th birthday. i was talking to some people and apparently he's been like this for a while and he's considered suicide before. his older sister found his corpse. i found his old soundcloud album by chance so im just gonna be listening to this and Panic! at the Disco all day.
edit 3: people are visiting the ice house where he hung himself and leaving flowers and writing messages and i wish i could join in or at least see for myself but im a coward. listening to This Is Gospel 30 times in a row probably wasn't the best idea either. but it sure as hell is the only song i wanna listen to right now. i hope leon's moved on to a better place. everybody else is paying their respects on instagram and i didn't wanna butt in since i wasn't as great friends with him as everyone else was but i caved and wrote something.
- Oh man. I never got to talk to you enough, Leon. We've probably had like two solid conversations and for that I can never forgive myself. We had so much in common but icould never put myself out there to talk to you. You were always smiling and always had something to say, it'll be so quiet without you. Maths class will be silent, French will be even more boring. You brought life into every room you entered and always knew how to put a smile on people's faces. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I'll never see you again and, though I never knew you as well as I would have liked, I miss you already. Wishing you luck in your next life! 😇💖💔
Edit 4: me and my friend visited the ice house today. We encountered some of our other friends so we stuck with them. I just started crying i couldn't write anything. It turns out the "bullYing for being bi/gay" story was more than just a rumour, and it was two of his close friends bullying him. FUCK them honestly. We went around town for a bit and eventually lost the other two friends. I have no clue where they went. I talked to another friend about it all. She does stuff with tarot cards or something. She said that she was communicating with Leon the other day. He wanted us all to move on and not to feel guilty. she noticed how much it was affecting me compared to some of the people he knew closely. I've never wanted to come out more. I wanted to tell her i loved him bc she's so pleasant to talk to and so kind and accepting and she gives the best hugs. Me and my friend visited the ice house by ourselves this time. I cried a lot. I miss him. I've picked up so many small things from him that mean so much to me. Not exactly habits, but there's no better word. I wrote something about how much i miss him and that it all seems like a bad dream and that I'm so confused about everything. I was emotionally drained and confused afterward. My friend had to sort of baby me, if that makes sense. I was murmuring to myself, playing with my bracelet, rubbing his name on my hand and just confused about literally everything remotely unusual. I was convinced that there was a rubbish bin somewhere along the road i travel a lot. We're all writing Leon's name on our hands with hearts and 29/4/16. He didn't want any dark colours at his funeral. We're all wearing green, his favourite colour. We're all going to participate in a run raising awareness for suicide on Saturday. Overall i think I'm a lot better than i was beforehand.