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- Keep in mind that this review was finished at 17:21, June 11, 2014 (UTC), and this was the latest revision of the page. Any edits made later than either these timestamps will not be found back/referred to in this review.
TEEN BEACH MOVIE: BEACHLESS EDITION - AKA FANTENDO IN WONDERLAND ON DRUGS
Teen Beach Movie: Beachless Edition. What could possibly go wrong with a film, with a title like that? Well, one thing is for sure: with a title like that, chances are this is going to suck hard.
Let me first clarify that this title suggest this is either a rip-off or a variation on Teen Beach Movie, a "Disney Channel Original Movie" that makes me remind of every live-action sitcom for kids produced by Disney and coincidentally also broadcasted on the Disney Channel. And let me tell you: that is not a good sign. And the fact that the actual film Teen Beach Movie actually got mixed reviews (one of them saying it's super dull) doesn't help either.
In fact, the author wants you so much to know that it's based on Teen Beach Movie, she included a picture of said film in the infobox.
Say, what's actually the premise of that film anyway?
Too bad that almost nothing of the Beachless edition actually has anything to do with the original film's premise!
Yes, the two protagonists get transported to another land by something that could kill them... and that's the only (true) comparison I could find.
Let's first get to the premise of the Beachless edition.
As you can see, our setting is... our own wiki? The Fantendo wiki has been transformed into a magical land apparently. Oh, and all the users you know and love inhabit this very place. Except for Lumoshi, one of the current sysops, he actually inhabits our own world instead, and he's joined by... the author of this article?
Okay. Who's going to bet InukaneYumiko has a crush on Lumo, or are related in some way? This film is based on a teenage love story-ish thing, and Inukane is the lead character alongside Lumo. And most teenage love stories have the lead characters fall in love with each other in the end.
So this is pretty much an author self-insert fanfiction with real people. We're in for a ride.
Okay, so this is the beachless edition, so obviously, no beaches in this flick. So naturally, we start at... the Arctic tundra?!
What the? Last time I checked what "beachless" meant, it didn't mean opposite climate. Why I'm bothered by this? Who would even think to go to an Arctic tundra? It's even worse since the starts are teenagers. Why would a teen ever go to the Arctic? Especially since only the parents (who are never mentioned) could organize that. And I bet that they need to be super rich in order to go there in the first place.
Why can't it be in the suburbs? That seems to be a lot more realistic than in the tundra.
Anyway let's move on.
So, InukaneYumiko visits the Arctic tundra, just to take pictures of the native wolves and make paintings of the photos (that's what I assume at least).
Couldn't she just go to the local zoo instead of taking the plane to the Arctic without her mom's permission?
Anyway, upon arrival (no literally, within a minute), she meets Lumoshi, who is a popular teenage boy. I guess Lumo is a celebrity now, since not only he's popular, but also he can afford plane tickets to the Arctic as well as parent's permission. Lumoshi is also there to make photos, but not of arctic wolves, but local villagers (now where do you need that for?).
And then, after they got to know each other, they suddenly got eaten by an arctic wolf.
...nah, I wish.
Instead, the wolf's stomach appears to be a magical portal to the Fantendo wiki as a country.
This is so unrealistic. You're saying that not only didn't the wolf tear them apart while it swallowed them, but its stomach is also a magical portal?
Come to think of it, maybe they did die after all, since this is the most unrealistic thing ever. I mean, think about it. If that wolf's stomach really was a magical portal to Fantendo, wouldn't the country constantly get gory ripped parts of arctic hares, or stomach acids? And in fact, wouldn't the wolf die since all his food won't be digested? I mean, I can maybe believe the two teens got swallowed whole (see Little Red Riding Hood), but... a magical portal in a stomach?
The original Teen Beach Movie could be more realistic on the "transportation-to-a-magical-land" part since it was a giant wave that possibly made the teens unconscious for a while. The entire time in the beach party flick could as well be a dream sequence. But if the waves were indeed the portal to a magical land... I'd rather believe that than a magical portal in a stomach!
(Also I dearest-of-gobstoppers hope not Inukane is into vore)
So Inukane and Lumo arrive and they get greeted by Heartphilia (better known as Marina) and Elise, who are the rulers of this magical land. It's funny because in most fan stuff, the creators made the original founder of this wiki the ruler, but this one flat-out goes for the current 'crats. Previous rulers were never mentioned, so it could be interpreted that they're so far the only rulers.
Anyway, the two 'crats are surprised seeing Lumoshi, as he appears to be the "lost Sysop". OK? Now I'm sure Inukane has a crush on Lumo since she glorifies him now? Anyway, the sysops appear to assist the 'crats in anything, and I can assure you that is actually quite correct.
Oh, and that they're not paying attention to Inukane, so she becomes jealous. Teen love story cliché #47: The lead that isn't popular in the story itself will become jealous and do sneaky things in order to get attention. Just so you know.
Also, both of them want to get back home. Despite that, they get a tour organized by Qyzxf (aka Rick). Rick is, by the way, the only other sysop in this flick. Yeah, there are no admins other than the sysops Lumo and Rick, and the two 'crats Marina and Elise. Wanted to see me doing important stuff, because I appear to be your favorite sysop? Too bad, I'm not included, along with a load of others, and thank goodness for that!
Okay, so after the tour, it appears Elise got kidnapped, as well as a ransom note, asking for admin rights in exchange.
IT'S UMG! HE STILL HOLDS A VENDETTA AGAINST FANTENDO AND FOUND A NEW WAY TO TAKE IT OVER! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIIIIVES!!!
After scientific tests, it is revealed that the actual abductor came from the same world as Inukane and Lumo.
Now, this is a magical world that probably no one from Earth has ever heard of. How would that guy know and how can he benefit on a land full of nintendo fanon?
Anyway, it is decided that Lumoshi will go after it.
Oh of course, let the new guy fix this, I wonder how that could possibly go wrong (again).
Actually, scratch what I said, since Lumo is seen as a prophecy/messiah anyway. And he didn't do anything before. What is this, Secret of NIHM 2? (Actually it's closer to Alice in Wonderland if Discord wrote it).
Anyway. Inukane is being a jealous pitch again, because she wasn't informed about it. In fact, she feels so pissed about it that she deleted all the articles Lumoshi made.
...it has never been said Lumoshi made articles before. Tean Beach Lumoshi, I mean, not the actual one. It has never been said either that Lumo came here before with articles made, but I guess he had to be a lost sysop somehow.
(and articles cannot be deleted by normal users or chatmods, and Inukane is a normal user)
Oh, btw, when Lumoshi was about to leave the place in order to search for Elise, he found out that the magic spell given to him only works when the person he was accompanied with also goes along.
I'm pretty sure that stupid rule has only been made so Lumoshi would check upon Inukane. Why not have him worried about Inukane instead? This is a self-insert love story anyway!
Ugh. While Lumo is searching for her, Inukane is crying at the Forums instead, who regretted her mean actions earlier.
Question, are the Forums like a local Bar now? Because I think the Chatroom fits better.
Anyway, Lumo finds her and she apologizes. And... he's surprisingly forgiving. Well, he needed her anyway to go to the real world because of status quo or something.
BTW, the magical portal is still in the stomach, right?
So, after getting through... EW... they immediately meet Elise's abductor (that's quite stupid, because this is a slap in the face for mystery fans). And it is...
Alfred Khan of 4Kids!
Okay, there are a few things I've to discuss about this.
- I'm pretty sure 4Kids is no longer relevant. In fact, it got a new name now!
- Specify your Alfred Khan. I guess you mean Alfred R. Khan, but it could've been Alfred E. Khan just as much... a guy who's now dead.
- In fact, Alfred R. Khan is no longer the CEO of 4Kids/4Entertainment. He retired on January 11 2011, THREE YEARS AGO.
- Why would 4Kids/4Entertainment even be a threat to Fantendo, or why would they even see money into it?
Anyway, Khan challenges the duo to a duel. When they win, he frees Elise, but when he wins...
...he kidnaps the rest of Fantendo, "kidifies" them and turn them into mindless slaves.
Why is kidnapping them all at once needed?
Whatever. They battle with mallets on springs.
WTF? Our world is supposed to be normal, yet we have wolves with magical portals in their stomachs and we decide battles with smashing hammers while wearing springs!
In fact, what's the wolf even doing while they're dueling? Or when they're rambling exposition? Is he like, intrigued by everything and patiently waiting until everything's over?
Oh well, it's over pretty fast and Khan defeats them easily.
And then he goes on killing the wolf! (forget about that status quo thing I said earlier)
And, for some reason, killing the wolf brings every single Fantendian to Earth.
HOW DOES THAT WORK?
If I'm correct, destroying a dimensional portal does not destroy the dimension itself. In fact, he only killed the wolf, not the stomach! Are you like, suggesting that Fantendo actually takes place in a wolf's stomach?
BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE.
Anyway, now that everyone's here, he doesn't have to kidnap them one by one, so he knocks them all out and locks them up in cells by two in his secret lair that doubles as a prison.
...we're still in the arctic tundra, right?
IT'S THE FINAL PART!
Anyway, it just so happens that Inukane is sharing her cell with Elise. Elise apologizes for ignoring her and promotes her to Chatmod.
oh come on, we already have enough chatmods!
Also missed opportunity for more Inu×Lumo action, as sysops can also promote users to chatmods.
The two make an escape plan on their cell wall, but it just so happens Khan was passing by, so he moves the two to a different cell.
And now we come to the part where I think the real Inukane was running out of writing time, because it's just filled with plotholes.
I mean, read this:
Now tell me, how did the police get there?
Fantendo's locked up in a secret building
IN THE ARCTICS
AND NO ONE COULD EVER WARN THEM
AND HOW WOULD THEY EVEN BELIEVE THEM
But wait, it get's better. This is literally the next sentence:
- So wait, Fantendo does still exist. Then HOW WOULD THEY GET TRANSPORTED BACK TO EARTH AFTER ONLY THE FREAKING PORTAL GOT DESTROYED, AND ONLY THAT? It doesn't make any sense to warp them away from their home if their home still exists. The only importance the portal brought was that it was the only entrance.
- But at least it's acknowledged that you cannot go back the normal way now the portal is destroyed.
- And how do you make spells to return home anyway? Last time I checked, we weren't wizards.
- And if we could make magical spells to send us home the whole time, why didn't we do that earlier in the flick and leave Khan as a Cassandra Truth-ish person that his said to hallucinate stuff (and thus put in the insane asylum)? It may still suck, but at least it makes a smidgen more sense.
- And making them one-use only doesn't make waiting until Khan is arrested justified.
- Also, both are unsure whether she should go along or stay? What about Lumoshi? Doesn't he have parents? He's still a teenager, so his parents must miss him.
Anyway, after that, Inukane decides to say farewell to her old like and begin a new one in Fantendo, where she and Lumoshi live happily ever after... but not their parents, relatives and friends, because only Inu and Lumo know about Fantendo and the rest think they're missing, so there's much weeping and stuff.
Oh, and Khan is sentenced to death, even though he should be in retirement.
This... this story makes no sense. Actually, I'm sure it tried to make no sense, and when it did, it throws the sense outta the window! Earlier mentioned plotpoints are clearly forgotten later on: note how it started in the Arctic tundra, but never was said they left it. The story clearly isn't realistic (looking at you, stomach portal), dated characters are shoehorned in as villains, tons of plotholes and pointlessness, and much, much more faults. And also, for an "edition" of an existing film, it is so different that it's almost completely new.
I like to think this article is created for one thing only:
To ship the author with Lumoshi.
I'm sure there's more than just that, but this is just so senseless.
To me, this is worse than Gasparo. Don't get me wrong, Gasparo is still a terrible character. But at least most things were clear and not confusing, nor does his background suddenly change (I hope). Besides, he lives in a magical world.
But I dunno, I guess it's unfair to compare a movie to a character.
You know what I also like to think? That this is actually an alternate take on Alice in Wonderland, but with Fantendo users and with lots of drugs to fill in the rest. The plot is just that crazy. And the crazy stuff happens in the world that's supposed to be NORMAL.
Anyway, I hope that the plot is the only thing this movie has. I can't imagine all this stupidness with boring execution and crappy pop songs.
This film gets a 1,9 out of 10.