SUPER SPORT MOVIE 2000
Written by Exotoro
Two hockey teams are playing on TV in Rachel's tavern.
Rachel: Man, there is nothing better than watching two teams beating the shit out of each other.
Jake: I wonder if we could start our own sports team. Doesn't need to be hockey.
Rachel: Are you kidding? One of us is disabled, two of us are gay, and the rest are way out of shape.
ScratchKat: (whispering to Unten) She said two of us were gay! She was talking about her and Britt!
Unten: She was talking about Britt and Zander, ScratchKat.
ScratchKat: Holy cow, where have you been?
Zander: In Las Vegas. Hella fun granting wishes to people and then watching them crush their own dreams.
Unten: That is kind of evil.
Zander: Maybe to you, but some people need to learn when to quit, if you know what I'm saying?
Unten: It's not sexual, ScratchKat. Don't you even dare.
ScratchKat: -I knew that. I knew that.
Unten: And you still think Britt and Rachel are dating.
ScratchKat: It's my own damn one true pairing and I'm sticking to it!
Jake: I'm serious though! We should start our own sport team!
Hugo: We could call it Hugo's Team!
ScratchKat: Shit, are we playing the sugar bowl?
(Opening) - (Title card)
Rachel: Look, I'm just saying that it's a bad idea to play in a actual sport with this type of diverse cast. You need like, 10 white males.
Jake: I'm just saying we should.
TV: Do you want to be part of the Super Sport Cup 2000 2014? Well come on over to the Super Sport Rink 2000 with your team and win the cash prize of three thousand dollars!
Rachel: You know, that's not sounding like a bad idea anymore.
Unten: No kidding! We could actually get a working toilet!
[Jump cut to Unten in the tavern's bathroom. Toilet is clogged.]
Unten: You called, dark one?
Toilet: Yes, Unten. End my suffering.
Unten: I can't... the toilet's clogged.
Toilet: I can't live like this! I've tried killing myself twice, but there's just not enough water! I can't do this anymore!
Unten: I tried looking for a plunger but there wasn't one...
Toilet: JUST KILL ME! KILL ME! KILL ME!
[Jump cut back to the tavern. Unten is shuddering.]
Unten: I'll coach.
Britt: Well, gee, what use am I?
[Britt rolls out of the tavern.]
Unten: Alright, Jake, Data, Hugo, Zander, Rachel, Hama, and ScratchKat! You're on my team.
ScratchKat: What's the name of our team?
Unten: Not Hugo's Team... uh... the super cool... awesome people.
Unten: The uh... Flip Floppers?
Rachel: Stop coming up with lame names, loser!
Unten: Orlando Magic?
Rachel: That's a real sports team.
And we're not even in Orlando.
Hugo: Tavern Tusslers!
Rachel: There we go! See, Hugo comes up with good names.
At the Super Sport Rink 2000...
The Super Sport Team Registrator 2000: Alright, you guys want to sign up under "Tavern Tusslers?"
Rachel: Got a problem with that name?
The Super Sport Team Registrator 2000: No! Not at all!
Rachel: Ok, so why are you taking so long?
The Super Sport Team Registrator 2000: What's is wrong with you?
Rachel: (sadly) I own a tavern.
The Super Sport Team Registrator 2000: Ah.
Unten: Turns out I have no idea what sport we're actually playing.
Rachel: Well, it says we're playing basketball and hockey. At the same time.
Unten: How does that even work? What do you dribble, what do you try to get in the goal?
Rachel: (tosses him Super Sport Book 2000) Read up.
Unten: Ok, well I know how to play this game, but you guys don't... so uh, just listen to everything I say.
Zander: So what do we dribble, and what do we get in the goal?
Unten: Depends. On fridays, you try to get the basketball in the goal and the hockey puck in the net, but on every other day you have to mix it up depending on the color of the team you're facing.
Zander: So what do we do against gold?
Unten: You dribble the pucks and you beat the basketballs with the sticks. You need to get the pucks into the nets and the basketballs into the goals.
Gold Team Leader: Unten.
Unten (turns to face) What the hell?
Zander: Looks like it's you coach... but with a missing arm!
Unten: Look, it's nothing personal, but...
Gold Team Leader: Unten, I am you.
Future Unten: I come from the future and I'm warning you not to get your team involved. There will be consequences if you do.
Unten: Is it my arm?
Future Unten: My missing arm is the least of your concerns in the future. Bad stuff happens, Unten. Really bad stuff. Like deaths. A traitor. Terrible, terrible comedy.
Unten: What happens exactly?
Future Unten: I can't disclose. It has to do with Flip the Frog and Britt and Zander. Space Prom 2014.
Unten: Well, we gotta play. We've done so little effort to get here, and we just can't quit now!
Future Unten: Very well. My only hope is that I have perhaps shifted the timeline with just my mere presence. But if it doesn't...
Unten: My arm will be ripped off?
Future Unten: I told you, it's not about the arm!
Unten: But I really like my left arm.
Future Unten: Trust. Me. Your arm is the least of the concerns.
Unten: So what team are we playing?
Future Unten: Mine. I hope this at least shifts the timeline a bit so that you can get out of the path I had to endure.
[The game begins. Zander begins dribbling the puck and Hugo whacks the basketball with a stick.]
Hama: Pass it to me!
Rachel: No, pass it to me!
Hama: Wait, who's passing what to who?
Rachel: Great, now they're confused.
Hama: You think this is my fault?
Rachel: Uh, yeah!
ScratchKat: So it was Hama and Rachel that were in a relationship!
Rachel: It's called chemistry, Scratch. I have it with everyone.
Unten: Guys, are we even trying?
[Future Unten nabs the puck and the ball and scores two points.]
Rachel: That sly son of a bitch!
Future Unten: I am doing this for your own good!
Rachel: Please. If you were doing this for the good of everyone, you would stop talking to the toilet.
Unten: You don't understand! He's just going through a tough time right now!
Future Unten: (shoots the puck into the neck) Another point for the future!
Unten: That's enough! Hama, get to the left of the rink! Rachel, you go to the right! And Hugo, you just bash through all of his players!
Hugo: Is that legal?
Unten: When you're loosing.
[Hugo takes out the rest of The Future's team, leaving Future Unten left.]
Future Unten: Very well.
Rachel: Now, Hama!
[Hama and Rachel speed towards each other with Future Unten in the middle. Future Unten catches the puck but then is slammed into Hama and Rachel. ScratchKat keeps hitting the basketball back and forth into the net. The buzzer rings.]
Hama: We won! Suck it!
Super Sports Offical 2000: Oh no you didn't. Ya'll are playing by 2006 rules.
Unten: Oh, dang it.
Hama: Rachel? Rachel, wake up?
Unten: (runs over to Rachel) Well, she's got a pulse.
[Jump cut to hospital]
Hama: We could have won in 2006, I tell ya.
Britt: Maybe you could have won if you had me as coach. (slaps Unten)
Unten: What are you doing, ScratchKat?
ScratchKat: Making a list of my OTPs.
[Blurry pictures of Britt and Rachel and Jake and Flip; which are superimposed with glue, appear.]
Unten: How can you even ship them if you can only get blurry shots of one of them?
ScratchKat: When does love ever make sense?
Unten: Why do you only ship gay couples though?
ScratchKat: This one's not gay.
[Blurry pictures of ScratchKat and marshmellows appear.]