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Pilot (LNM)

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n/a [CURRENT EPISODE: Pilot] ==>


A rapid barrage of images flashes. Talk show hosts. Desks. Guests. Cameras. Teleprompters. Faint whispers from various talk show hosts scatter the scene. Accompanying the barrage is an announcer.

???: You're on in five, four, three, two...

The image settles. In a low-quality blue studio, a ghost sits, seemingly in disbelief, behind a desk. The scene cuts to a title card with the show's logo.


A montage across the years begins.


WALTER: ...I'm... I'm.

PUPPETEER: Walter. He's Walter.

WALTER: Thank you, Puppeteer. Please get me out of here. I've been here for months. Get me out.


WALTER: My name's Walter, and this is... Late Night Mates?

Bedbug nods, bringing Walter a cup of coffee.

WALTER: Right. Who's watching, again?

BEDBUG: The big guy.

WALTER: Oh, uh, yes. Hello, Satan.


Walter spins around, looking to the camera. Unlike before, he isn't so surprised. He looks deadpan more than anything. The scene cuts to Tivy, signalling him to start.

WALTER: Hello, fellow mates, this is Late Night Mates, and I'm your host, Walter Geist. Tonight, we'll be interviewing... a mister Unten. Tivy will check out a grocery store, and Puppeteer will be helping us learn about the Cold War. All this and a bucket of ghoulish fun on tonight's Late Night Mates. Woo-friggin'-hoo.

Unten is tossed through a portal. A distinctly demonic voice yells out.

SATAN: Sick, first try!

Unten lands in the guest seat, and makes himself comfortable.

UNTEN: The devil just tossed me through a portal into the crappiest TV studio ever. What kind of scary [SPOOP] are you trying to pull on me?

Walter snaps a pencil he was holding and glares at Unten

WALTER: I've been dealing with that [SPOOP]head for four years, mister Unten. And I wasn't just tossed through a portal. I was put here for no reason other than 'I'm Satan, I can!' and I lost both my career and my wife. [SPOOP] portal-tossing, this is scary. Welcome to Late Night Mates, mister [SPOOP]in' Unten. What have you been up to?

Unten is visibly shocked. Tivy flies away from the camera, and a TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES screen featuring Bedbug briefly appears before the show returns, with both parties more calm.

UNTEN: Well, mister Geist, I've been pretty good. I mean, I just dealt with some total jerk in a gasmask, but I'm pretty good otherwise. Thinking of going on another adventure.

WALTER: I never really got what's up with all you adventurers outside the Underworld. You risk your lives for heroism, sure, but when it's just 'I woke up, I think I'm gonna go nearly die in the name of adventure!' I don't get it.

UNTEN: Well, you do work for Satan...

WALTER: Yeah, but he's actually not that evil. He's more of a mischief maker.

Suddenly, a bucket of lighter fluid is dumped on Unten.

UNTEN: What the...?

WALTER: See? He implemented a system called 'Fool Me Once'. He literally dumps lighter fluid on any guests who aren't right. Then he lights them on fire.

UNTEN: Doesn't that kill people?

Walter nods and smiles.

UNTEN: Well, Walter, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to leave.

A lit match drops near Unten's seat. He quickly tries to move his seat away from the small fire.

WALTER: You can't. Stuck here until the episode's over.

UNTEN: I am leaving right now. I swear to the Fan, I'll do it.

Another match drops from above, lighting Unten on fire. The scene cuts out as he begins to become engulfed in flames.


Tivy flies into a grocery store with a basket.

CLERK DEMON: Hello there, how may I help you?

Tivy's screen flashes, displaying a bottle of whiskey.

CLERK DEMON: We don't carry alcohol here on Sundays.

Tivy's screen once again flashes, this time with a message. WE'RE IN THE UNDERWORLD YOU STUPID [SPOOP]. She swings the basket at the clerk, knocking her out, and begins dragging her body out to a car, which she steals.

BYSTANDER DEMON: A possessed TV just killed a woman with just a basket and stole a car. Normal Underworld.

COP DEMON: Heh, sounds like one good time.

Tivy and the dead clerk are hurdling around. The hijacked car is flying off a bridge, with several corpses stuck to its bumper. Tivy displays a large SMIRK as she aims the car to land in a wine shop.

WINE SHOP DEMON: That'll be 30 human souls. Thanks for shopping h-

The car lands, killing Wine Shop Demon. Tivy quickly gets out, and displays OH [SPOOP] THERE'S DEAD BODIES EVERYWHERE before stealing two bottles of whiskey, pouring one over herself to clean off the blood and taking one to the car for a getaway.


Walter sips from a glass of whiskey. His white ectoplasm becomes a brownish color for a moment, before returning to normal.

WALTER: Thanks, Tivy.

Tivy beeps.

WALTER: Okay, Puppeteer, do your [SPOOP] about a war with Eskimos or whatever.

PUPPETEER: The Cold War. It's the Cold War.

Tivy and Bedbug move in some props, creating an impromptu Sesame Street-esque set.

PUPPETEER: So, kids, the Cold War was a horrible time back in the 1980s, when America and the big bad inferior Russians were making nuclear bombs.

Bedbug and Tivy swing cardboard cutouts of nukes around and make 'fwoosh' noises.

PUPPETEER: But luckily, the great Americans won! We stopped those Russian nukes with the power of the bald eagle..

WALTER: I'm pretty sure that's not what happened, Puppeteer. I read about the Cold War and... yeah, no.

PUPPETEER: Just a minute ago you said it was about Eskimos!

WALTER: Yeah, so?

The two bicker as the camera zooms out. Tivy and Bedbug have started a cardboard nuclear war, Puppeteer and Walter begin to pull out knifes, and Unten continues to spread a massive fire throughout the studio. Cue credits.


n/a [CURRENT EPISODE: Pilot] ==>

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