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Mintendony XGamePlay 1800

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This is a joke article, possibly made to make fun of a certain subject. Understand that it is not supposed to be taken seriously.
The Mintendony XGamePlay 1800, XGamePlay or simply XGP for short, is a home console collaboratively produced by Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony in an attempt to monopolize the video game industry.

History

The Mintendony XGamePlay 1800 is the spiritual successor to the NX, Xbox One, and PlayStation 4. Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony were originally planning the Thrii U, Xbox Sqrt(–1), and PlayStation 5, respectively, but in a fit of financial gimmickry, they decided to join forces and create a brand-new console together. The companies combined several of their concepts, including touchscreens, haptic feedback, voice control, stereoscopic 3D, and stupid Kinect shit, resulting in the first prototypes of the console.

An early XGamePlay was revealed at E3 2021 to mixed reception. The companies listened (gasp!) to feedback (bigger gasp!) and removed some of the less appealing features, except for the stupid Kinect shit which Microsoft insisted on implementing.

Hardware

Specs and internals

XGamePlay uses an AMD Jaguar APU, combining six CPU and GPU units with quad-x86-64-core modules at high speeds to find the Higgs boson. The memory controller clocks at 2.5 GHz, with 12 GB of DDR6 ESRAM and 64 MB of EDMRAM. This allows for a bandwidth of 207 GB/s during read-write alpha-blending operations, and a video-decoding peak performance of 1.5 lossy YFLOPS. The GDDR6x memory compute units themselves contain approximately 6.28 times the NX's downloadable RAM, allowing for 78 FPS of pre-rendered video playback for each GB/s. We hope you have any clue what any of that jargon means, because we sure don't.

Controller

The XGamePlay has a standard controller that largely resembles a fusion of the Xbox One Controller, the DualShock 4, and the Wii U Pro Controller. The front has a small touchscreen, a HOME button, two sticks, a directional pad, and four face buttons. Clockwise from the top, the face buttons are the X button, X button, X button, and X button. The controller also has two bumpers and two triggers, all analog, as well as motion-sensing capabilities, speakers, a headphone jack, a front-facing camera, a microphone, the DualShock 4's light bar, a secret self-destruct button, a Chinese finger trap, and a volume slider.

Games

Mintendony XGamePlay 1800 was billed as having a large game library. However, Nintendo ended up making all of the first-party games, and Microsoft just paid EA to make a bunch of stupid sports shit. In the end, the console's only launch title ended up being Call of Duty: Mario Warfare. The XGP's release was followed shortly by a stream of slapdash and shipshod Kinect-based games before any larger projects could be completed.

Luckily, the XGamePlay was made backwards-compatible with the Wii U, NX, Xbox 360 and One, and PlayStation 3 and 4. Of course, having PS3 compatibility is nothing special; even your toaster oven can play (and has played) all zero PS3 games.

Reception

The Mintendony XGamePlay 1800 received critically lukewarm reception. Many reviewers expressed dissatisfaction with the unexpectedly limited software selection. CNET lamented that "[r]ather than its three creators supporting each others' strengths, this cross-company system was held back by their weaknesses." IGN was particularly critical of the controller, expressing that while the self-destruct button was at least somewhat understandable, "the inclusion of Chinese thumb cuffs is a riddle for the ages."

Fanbase

The XGamePlay's fanbase is the third most toxic thing on the planet, after plutonium dust and botulinum toxin. It turns out that fans of three competing companies don't mix very well. Said three companies ended up with an unpleasable fanbase that not only threatened to bankrupt them, but sent them various other threats as well.

By 2025, this had lead Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony to pledge never to cooperate again. They then immediately returned to their former animosity and demolished each others' headquarters, along with any remaining hope that Banjo and Kazooie will ever make it into Smash Bros..

The only real "winners" in this situation are the obnoxious "PC Master Race" assholes, for once.

See also

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