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Without a doubt, Mondays are the most evil things known to mankind. They can transform gentle, kind young men into grumpy, irritable monsters. That is exactly what happened to Amazing Dr. Masaya Obama Cinderella Aoyama VI, commonly known as Masaya Aoyama, on the Day He Hacked The Government.
I'm surprised if any of you have never been told scary stories about this terrible day by your Grandmas, or shudder have never heard of the legend at all. For those of you who happen to be interested, this is the sociopathic adaptation of the story that has been passed on for millions of generations.
And so we begin...
Masaya Aoyama was the great-great-great-great-great-grandson of the powerful Lord Chuck Norris. Therefore, it would be reasonable to believe that he was much better at life than the other guys at his junior high. This was true, as Masaya had the biggest harem in recorded history, according to The Guinness Book of World Records, 1999. He was also a doctor in environmental science, thus rambling about nature for hours on end while not managing to annoy anyone except for the audience. He was so strong that in preschool, he killed Superman simply by touching his forehead. Most noteworthy of all, Masaya was extremely handsome. Everyone within a radius of fifty yards of him had to stop what they were doing and look at his attractiveness, and by looking at a girl, he could make her faint.
In the year of 2003, the emperor of Japan decided to repeal his millennium-long ban on Mondays. This meant that in that same year, Masaya experienced his first-ever Monday. And let me tell you, it was not pretty. He woke up and saw that his blue hair was tangled in every which way, and that there were bags under his blue-gray eyes, which didn't look as dreamy as they used to be. Opening his closet, he realized that all his latest-fashion designer outfits had magically transformed into wool sweaters and suspenders. They were so ugly that Masaya's vision blurred and he needed to wear geeky glasses.
After dressing in his old-man clothes, Masaya made himself a cup of coffee for breakfast. After taking a few sips, the Monday knocked over his mug, spilling coffee all over his clothes.
"THE PAAAAAIINNN!!!!"Masaya screamed like a little girl.
As he walked to school, everybody around him was to angry to look at his beauty. In fact, Masaya soon realized, it had taken a vacation. When he looked at one of his fangirls, she didn't faint as usual, but covered her eyes at his hideous being instead. This was the worst day ever!
Since it was a Monday, Masaya had a huge midterm exam in every class. And, it being Monday, he got a big fat F on every one of them. That's right: even the environmental science exam. Masaya did so poorly that he got kicked out of school.
Sulking, Masaya trudged over to the gym next, to practice kendou. Kendou is basically Mortal Kombat with swords, and in Japan they have a Super Bowl for it every year. Masaya had won every Super Bowl since 2000. Because of these statistics, the coach expected Masaya to completely pwn everyone else and make them look like idiots in hats in the process. Instead, he was beaten by Calliou in a split second. Since Calliou was as annoying as a Monday, he was the only happy person there.
Masaya was so pissed that afternoon. Why did the government feel the need to bring back the source of all evil in the universe? Seriously, what good had Mondays ever done for people before!? Oh well, he thought, Maybe a limousine ride home will cheer me up. So he took out his iPad and called the limousine rental company.
"Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice mail machine," said the iPad. It couldn't ever call people successfully, because it wasn't a real phone like the iPhone.
So Masaya had to Skype with the limousine rental company. The guy who responded had apparently had a bad day, too.
"Hello," said Masaya, "I'd like to rent a limo."
"Sorry, ma'am, there's a hotter girl ordering at the moment. I'll put you on hold," said the guy.
Well, that was when Masaya completely lost it. "EXCUSE ME, BUT I'M A SIR, NOT A MA'AM!!! YOU BETTER ADDRESS ME THE RIGHT WAY!!! I'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH SHIT TODAY, AND YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK, DO YOU!!!???" screamed Masaya.
The guy's face turned pale, and he muttered, "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, but I still have to put you on hold."
"YOU'RE STILL CALLING ME MA'AM, HUH!!?? WELL, THIS WILL TEACH YOU THAT I'M NOT A GIRL!!!!" With that, Masaya unzipped his suspenders, pulled down his boxers, and gave the limo guy a good look at his testicles.
The guy didn't respond. He was already talking to the other client, so he had hung up.
Masaya was more pissed off than he'd ever been in all thirteen years of his groundbreaking life. Even more than that incident when Batman stole his teddy bear, and he'd shot laser eyes at him for that. He wanted to punch somebody. Hurt someone really bad. Kick a few people in the balls, even! But he had to do something productive instead. And with that in mind, he did something so productive that it went live on international television.
He took a piss on his iPad.
The pee traveled into the iPad, across the Internet, and into the emperor's castle. It hacked all the computers in Japan, and all across the nation, songs by Alvin and the Chipmunks, Justin Bieber, Rebecca Black, and the Smurfs played simultaneously at full volume.
"I can't take it anymore!!" the emperor sobbed, "We need to outlaw Mondays again! NOW!!"
And with that, it was Saturday.
Masaya went back to being the super-hot dream-boyfriend god of everything he normally was. All the girls around him fainted, and angels came down from the sky to sing their praise. Instead of being punished for indecent exposure, Masaya was hailed as a hero from that day forward. And to this day, Mondays are nonexistent in Japan.
In fact, his legacy continues.
If you look up in the sky, you can see a constellation depicting an extremely hot teenage boy wearing nothing at all. This constellation is known to the world as Masayorius Aoyamedes, and it displays his heroic act every night.