Don't read this!! He'll come for you!!!!
I know you're not going to believe this, but I used to be normal. But then everything changed one October night…
The newspaper headline the morning before read: Murderous Turtles On Rampage. "Hm," I said to myself (because I live alone), "this reminds me of Harambe. Killer turtles? This must be a hoax!" And I through out the newspaper in the trash can out of indignance, and wrote a letter to cancel my subscription.
A few hours later, I heard a knock on my back door. I grabbed my gun and ran to the door to my backyard, which the average stranger shouldn't have been able to get into since it was surrounded by an electric fence. But all that was on the mat was the newspaper again, with something wrapped inside it. I unravelled the moist newspaper to see a black cartridge of Pokémon, but with Charmander's eyes blacked out. I remembered the copy of Super Mario Bros. 3 I had suddenly ordered at a yard sale a couple days ago out of nostalgia, but this couldn't be it.
I opened the cartridge and put it in my Game Boy. The title screen was replaced by the text "DON'T LOOK BEHIND YOU" in blood red, which was really odd because I wasn't on a Game Boy Color. I looked behind me anyways and literally nothing happened, so I moved on. Actually, my cat was behind me, but I didn't notice the horrible truth at the time.
Pressing the Start button, a bloodcurdling scream sounded off. It sounded like—it sounded like it was coming from my computer which had Cleverbot open. Or was it Cleverbot.exe? I didn't care at the time. Speaking of time, 108 seconds later, I heard a louder scream, this time from my Game Boy. It was clearly just a glitch. I went to the save file screen to see just how creepier the whole brewhaha could get. How was I to predict what would happen next? It's too late for this ghost to fix things.
Author's Note: This is where it starts to get scary!! Be careful readint this!
I started my file and my character, who out of immaturity I named RICHARD. RICHARD woke up in a lab which was really creepy, and their were tombstones in it. He went downstairs and his mom yelled at him, "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING DOWN HERE?" And pointed a hyperrealistic gun at RICHARD as she screamed through the Game Boy speakers.
RICHARD… dodged the bullet. Creepy, am I right? Then he said "No escape". I looked behind me and my cat said "No escape", in human, and its eyes were red and realistic blood poured out of them. I was thinking maybe I should take it to the vet. But I felt like I had to keep playing. Oh god, I don't have much time to write this. I looked at my computer next and Cleverbot replied, "No escape", to a message I hadn't posted—"RUN!!" Then an image of RICHARD covered the screen and he was pointing a knife at me. Out the window the sky had become very overcast and blood red, and it was raining hyperrealistic blood which shorted out my electric fence. It was obviously another glitch with the game, even in retrospect, so I continued playing and had RICHARD crawled out the door into the world map.
Except it wasn't the Pokémon overworld, it was Super Mario Bros. 3's World 1 map. RICHARD was about to board the airship. I led him into the castle, where Lavendar Town's music was playing on loop. Even though most music in videogames played on constant loop, I thought this was kinda strange.
Then was happened nexAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, 6 to 13 seconds later, the king in the castle said, "No escape". I almost wanted to escape from the game but I was too nostalgic and curious. What was he, anyway, Slendermen? I scoffed at the thought and as RICHARD climbed into the airship, the thunder outside rumbled and shocked my fence, overheating it and shorting it out. Bats flew in front of the window, shrieking, "No escape" from the shadows.
The airship's background had a blood-red cloudy sky, too. I remembered the cartridge looked like it had been tampered with, almost like it said "NOW YOUR IN RICHARDS WORLD!!!!!!!!" It almost seemed like it had perfect copy protection, or that's what my friend said. "NOW YOUR IN RICHARDS WORLD!!!!!!!!"………… Ironically this label message on the cartridge didn't seem to be true, because then I battled the boss on the game.
Only it wasn't Larry Koopa; whatever Koopaling abomination RICHARD was battling had a pumpkin over its head! What an odd glitch!! It took 13 hits with no apparent success of damaging it before Pumpkin Koopa's head-pumpkin started to crack open. It took another 666 hits before the head-pumpkin shattered, splattering realistic blood and pumpkin guts all over my face out of the screen, and it disappeared before I could rub it out of my eyes to see the boss's true form.
What happened next was horrifying, and I may never physically recover.
"No escape"!! Whether I can mentally recover is an easier question to answer, because I probably can.
AN: I forgot to mention a few things earlier. I now want to recapitulate each of these for the sake of clarity now that I am safe. You won't believe these but they're true.
- The yard sale guy had some dumb story behind the game, which was boring and clearly fake so I tuned it out.
- I actually tried to destroy the game while I was playing it before but it reappeared 13 times. I actually felt one cartridge copy lodged up my nasal cavity!! I guess I wasn't able to turn off the Game Boy either.
- The first letter of each paragraph in Act 2 spells PAIRETATOWA, which isn't a real word because I was typing too frantically to make the paragraphs spell out "No escape". This is because I was in mortal peril at the time because this story is real!!!! Just pretend like they did spell out "No escape", okay?
- My cat is okay… I think… I hope?… but its eyes were still super dark red and black and hyperrealistic. I really should have taken it to the vet while I had the chance. Poor thing.
- The bloodcurdling screams were hyperrealistically loud and I couldn't turn the volume down.
Anyway, I thought it was all over. That I could stop playing. But I never would. As soon as I beat Pumpkin Koopa, the screen went dark, though the descending music was still playing, which I found kinda creepy. It almost sounded like it was playing backwards. But then… I heard a crashing noise, in the game. Silence echoed through my computer room. The lights in the castle flipped back on, and in the king's place was hyperrealistic blood. Meanwhile, RICHARD was being ambushed by the Koopa Kids: Larry, Morton, Wendy O., Larry, Lemmy, Larry, Iggy, Roy, Ludwig von, Iggy, Larry, Larry… Gee whiz, there's sure where a lot of Larries, weren't there?
The hundreds of Koopalings all advanced on RICHARD as they pulled out their wands, shooting electric rays of blood magic at RICHARD, who screamed gutturally and violently. "No escape", he managed to say before the pixels of his body started shifting, and before I knew it, a Koopaling stood in RICHARD's place.
Then I felt the cartridge crumble into dust, but the game kept playing. And the screen then turned red, like blood, and there was a pentagram on it. Then red eyes flashed from the shadowy corners of my room, and I practically froze in my place, seated on the floor as I trembled in hyperrealistic fear. What happened next was horrifying.
Out of the shadows leapt the Koopalings. They jumped out of creepy dolls and from behind my startled cat. However, this time they were in full color and HD because it was real life, so by the red gibbous supermoon that was now outside, I could make out differences between the apparent duplicate Koopalings. Many of them were simple palette swaps of the originals. In fact, there were a few that almost resembled… Notiggy and… Larry 2.0, and Unten Koopa… and the Gnilapooks…
That fuck AgentMuffin, who had polluted Fantendo with decades of one-note joke Koopalings for the whole span of 2016! The realization dawned on me as tornadoes formed out the window, mirroring my troubled emotional state of shock: They were never jokes. And now they were coming for me. Sure enough, a slightly taller Koopaling sharing Larry's body frame and hairstyle materialized in the center of the room. The color scheme was unmistakable, even when lit by the blood-red scene outside: AgentMuffin was behind this aFter all! He stood directly before me atop a pile of discarded laundry, smirking mischievously at me from within his shellclad body.
"You were the yard sale dude all along!!!!" I bellowed, shaking. "You're going to hurt me for real now that RICHARD was being hurt in the game!"
"No, that's not right, you gullible fool" AgentMuffin replied. "The yard salesman was an intern, and he too has paid his karmic price. Meanwhile, RICHARD is finally safe and happy. You led him to a better place!" A chill of doubt ran down my spine.
I retorted indignantly, "RICHARD… You KILLED HIM!"
"Untrue as well… but part of your silly ramble was correct! The same fate is about to befall you as has befallen him." He snapped his fingers as the hyperrealism drained from the world, but all of the 109 Koopalings remained. "I've had my share of fun messing with you, but I really don't mean any harm. However, you will have to serve me to make up for your grave mistakes."
"What do you mean!!????!?!?"
"You'll see soon enough…" The murderous turtles fired their wands at me, and I braced myself for hyperrealistic pain… and felt nothing. But when I looked down at my body, I could see that things were not right. My spine was extending into a long, spiked tail; claws were forming on my hands and feet, which were reshaping with every passing second; a rounded muzzle emerged from my face; scales, of varying colors, covered my body from head to toe, leaving me shivering in discomfort; and I noticed a plastron and saturated spiny carapace beginning to weigh me down.
"You're making me one of you!" I vocalized, "How could you?!?!"
"It's nothing personal; I had to do whatever I could to raise the Koopacount. You should have contributed to the cause before I forced you to," AgentMuffin scolded, "and now it's too late for you to go back. There's "No escape" from what's about to happen to you. I'll allow you to return to your everyday life, or as close as you can get, but I will have to record you as you do so—small things like Appearance, Personality, Powers and abilities, Trivia, etc.
"The same goes for your other paranoid mental inventions. Pumpkin Koopa, we'll have to record too. But that's not important now. The deed I came here to fulfill is done."
AgentMuffin Koopa swivelled away from me, and… It's so obvious now! He was talking to you, the reader!
"<insert your name here>! IF YOU DON'T MAKE YOUR OWN FANON KOOPALINGS BY THE END OF THIS YEAR, YOU'RE NEXT!!!!"