Written by Exotoro
Rachel and Britt are sitting in a tavern, drinking.
Rachel: God, I am so strapped for funds.
Britt: Well, if you didn't spend it buying useless crap, maybe you would have some more money.
Rachel: This collector's figure of Fuchsia from Cell Split is "useless crap"?
Britt: It's a piece of plastic. It doesn't even do anything, it's just stuck in a pose.
Rachel: Well I guess not having the Archandroid is kind of selling it low, but I couldn't afford it.
Britt: You know what you should do? Sell stuff.
Rachel: Oh no, I couldn't do that.
Britt: No, not sell your personal belongings! Sell some food!
Rachel: Hrmmm... what could I sell though?
Britt: You could make cookies with all that cookie dough you keep in the fridge.
Why do you have so much anyway?
Rachel: Look, if you're eating cookies the way they're "supposed" to be eaten, what kind of life is that?
Britt: Just make some cookies and sell them. I can help out by being the disabled person that needs "help".
Rachel: Oh wow, you're seriously onto something! I could kiss you right now!
ScratchKat: Do it!
Britt and Rachel gaze at him with a mile's long stare.
(Opening) - (Title card)
Rachel: Alright, I got everything set up.
[sets down a box of cookies]
Britt: Who made those?
Rachel: I did. What, do you think people who tend bars can't cook?
Britt: You're afraid of ovens, though.
Rachel: Shut up!
Rachel: Oh hey, here comes somebody! Hey! Buy cookies so this person can walk again!
Britt: My legs are losers!
Constant: Alright, fine, I'll buy your cookies. But not to make her walk again.
Britt: (whispers) Meanie.
Rachel: Here you go!
[Rachel hands her two cookies in exchange for a dollar.]
[Constant takes a bite. She quickly swallows the cookie whole and then eats the other one just as fast.]
Constant: Oh my god! I need more!
[Constant shoves dozens of dollar bills to Rachel.]
Rachel: Knew I should have made more.
Britt: Oh boy, I'm going to be a real girl!
Rachel: Shh.... the money's trying to tell me something...
[Britt frowns at Rachel for her newfound greed.]
[Constant finishes eating all of the cookies.]
Rachel: You just bought all of it, though.
[Constant pulls out a gun.]
Constant: I need more.
[Rachel slowly cowers under the table and puts out a sign that says "Gone Leavin'"]
Constant: Aw, I wonder why she went gone leavin'?
Meanwhile... back in the tavern...
ScratchKat: Sup, Unten?
Unten: Not much. What are you doing?
ScratchKat: Well, usually Rachel kicks me out after I stop drinking and start loitering, and then kicks me out of town when I'm protesting, but since she and Britt are on a date I'm loitering and she can't do anything about it!
Unten: I didn't know they were dating...?
ScratchKat: Pluhze. She said she was going to kiss Britt the last time she was here.
Unten: Oh, come on! You could do that with anyone that visits the tavern!
ScratchKat: Oh yeah? Like who?
Unten: Jake and Flip.
[Montage of "romantic moments" between Jake and Flip set to "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles, such as Flip getting his hand stuck in a vending machine and Jake trying to pull it out, Jake and Flip diving in the pool and then Flip farting in the pool and smiling to Jake who is sitting next to him, and then Flip and Jake playing patty cake in a prison cell.]
ScratchKat: They're not a couple?
ScratchKat: Well... I bet you couldn't do that with Data and me.
[Montage of "romantic moments" between Data and ScratchKat set to the same music, with moments like Data and ScratchKat grabbing each other's organs, Data and ScratchKat angrily discussing dinner in front of Britt who rolls her eyes, and ScratchKat getting shot with maple syrup as Data stares in horror.]
ScratchKat: When was that maple syrup thing?
Unten: When we went to Canada to raise money for those deer with cancer?
ScratchKat: Oh yeah, I don't remember that. You guys told me that they kicked me in the head and I briefly thought I was Dexter from Dexter's Laboratory.
Unten: It was funny until you made a death ray.
Back to Rachel and Britt...
Rachel: We are making so much money!
Britt: ...and you're still buying useless crap.
Rachel: That is indeed what I'm doing.
Britt: What's in these cookies anyway?
Rachel: I dunno. I just follow the instructions, no matter how wiggly the dough gets.
Rachel: Is that how dough is supposed to be? Wiggling with little tentacles?
[Britt opens up a cookie using her hand, little worms squirm out]
Britt: These aren't good. How are people not spitting these out or noticing them?
Rachel: Oh wow, that's gross.
Britt: I think these are parasites!
Rachel: Why are you complaining? Do you hate money?
Britt: This isn't good, Rachel. People might die.
Rachel: You clearly have no idea on how to operate a business.
Britt: I think it's the other way around. Wait a minute, why are you still holding the money that Constant gave you?
Rachel: It's my first bucks that I made using this very successful business.
[Britt slaps the money out her hand, revealing a mouth on the bills.]
Britt: The money is a parasite too?
Rachel: I see what's going on here. You're ratting your brothers out before I suspect that you're a parasite too!
Well guess what sister, I was already thinking of that before you revealed what was in those cookies!
Britt: I am a human being.
Rachel: Oh yeah?
[Rachel sticks two fingers in Britt's mouth, forcefully opening it. She shines a flashlight through her mouth.]
Rachel: Aha! What's that?
Britt: My uvula.
Rachel: What about this?
Britt: My tongue.
Rachel: Damn. I thought this was going to get deeper.
ScratchKat: See what I'm talking about?
Unten: She's talking about the parasite thing!
Britt: What are you guys doing here?
ScratchKat: Loitering got really boring after a few hours.
Rachel: You were loitering in my tavern?
ScratchKat: Unten was! I was merely trying to get him to stop!
Unten: You sell-out!
ScratchKat: I'm a good boy.
Britt: We gotta burn this or something.
[Jump cut to Rachel's bathroom]
Rachel: I think this is a really bad idea.
ScratchKat: I saw this on a show once.
[ScratchKat dumps hydrofluoric acid into the bathtub. The cookies and the parasite money disintegrate.]
Rachel: Oh, wow that got rid of that for good!
[Bathtub begins to melt]
Rachel: Oh, nice. It's not like I ever need to take a bath or brush my teeth or poop or anything.
ScratchKat: I don't have to.
Rachel: I was being sarcastic! This acid is melting my bathroom!
Britt: Well, now you'll have to use that money for something other than useless crap.
Constant: So how is it doctor?
Doctor Metal Mario: Looks like the parasites are at least clear from your system.
Constant: Oh that's good to know.
Hey, where did your name come from?
Doctor Metal Mario: It's short for Metallato Marionino.
Doctor Metal Mario: It's... fuck, what is that? Italian? Spanish? Russian? I have no idea.